Finding Diamonds in the Mud

When is a failure not a failure?

This is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately as I wind down my freelance business. If I’m honest, I've faced plenty of criticism in the past which I've allowed to influence my own self-esteem. But in actual fact, how much of this criticism was actually me second guessing what others thought of me in the most negative terms?

Looking back on my twenty-year career as an accountant, I see plenty of disasters. There are many impressive achievements that I could chose to dwell on instead, but for some reason I am stuck in this cycle of "not good enough". We all want to feel proud of what we’ve accomplished, but for a late-diagnosed woman with ADHD, finding that pride can feel like searching for diamonds in the mud.

The ADHD Career Cycle

The cycle of job hopping looks a little like this for me. Does it sound familiar?

1. Start a new job with huge enthusiasm and energy.

2. Get recognized for efficiency and capability.

3. Begin to feel overwhelmed and drop a few balls.

4. Receive reassurance from managers—but the RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) kicks in hard.

5. Work longer hours to compensate, take on too much responsibility to prove worth.

6. Drop more balls, fall further behind.

7. Managers start to notice and flag issues. RSD worsens. Self-worth plummets.

8. Work even harder but now completely burnt out, self-esteem at rock bottom. Also the novelty is gone.

9. Feel trapped, miserable, and see no choice but to quit.

For those of us with AuDHD, add in communication struggles with colleagues and managers, and the job may even end on bad terms. I’ve been stuck in this cycle for over twenty years, and it’s exhausting. Each time, a little more self-worth chips away, and the belief that I’ll never find the right fit grows stronger.

For much of my career, I’ve been trying to escape accounting, convinced that I was simply a bad fit. Surely, there had to be something better suited for me. But here’s what I’ve come to realize:

A New Perspective

The truth is, I am an extremely competent and hardworking accountant. The problem isn’t my skills or capability—it’s the way I’ve been forcing myself into unsustainable work patterns. My tendency to take on too much, push myself too hard, and burn out isn’t a reflection of my abilities. It’s a reflection of a work environment that often doesn't accommodated my needs and my own tendency to be far too hard on myself.

What I need isn’t a new career (though having a creative side hustle hugely helps to balance me out).

What I need is a new way of working—one that aligns with my brain, not against it.

That starts with:

• A realistic understanding of how I work best.

• Setting boundaries that protect my energy.

• Restoring my professional self-esteem.

So, is this failure?

No.

It’s a course correction.

After all, the only way to fail is to stop trying.

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